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Monday, August 7, 2017

Guns of August


























Cocktail of the Month


In light of the recent passing of coach Parseghian, the man arguably most responsible for most of our collective, lifelong ND football psychoses ("We love you! We hate you!"), let's start with a summer-y beverage that harkens back to (what we choose to believe were) 'the good ole days' seems not only appropriate but necessary.

And so, I give you...



Daiq' To The Future
Back To The Future (1985)
Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Not only 1985's top grossing film about what it would be like to date your own mother, Back To The Future was also 1985's top grossing film, period - skidding into multi-plexes everywhere with Oedipal overtones and teenage hormones.  Michael J. Fox gives a timeless performance as Marty, an era-hopping slacker whose whacky-haired sidekick (Christopher Lloyd in eccentric Einstein mode) inadvertently wraps him up in a Libyan terrorist mishap that sends him 30 years into the past.

Time stands still with our Tang-fueled cocktail that'll keep one ticking through further Future installments.
  • Tang powder, for cocktail rim
  • 2 oz. Pilar dark rum
  • 1 oz. lime juice
  • 3/4 oz. simple syrup
  • 2 strawberries, halved
Rim a chilled cocktail glass in Tang powder and set aside.  Combine all the ingredients with ice in a shaker.  Shake well and double strain into the cocktail glass.  (Just don't drink and drive - especially not with daiquiri's and DeLoreans.)

---------------------------------------
At any rate, since the last post, another critical corner was turned - this blogger's passing the 60 1/2 age mark which - rounded up (as one does) is 61!  Meaning... MEMOIR TIME!  

With a working title of Start Making Sense! The Convoluted Cacophonies of a Wannabe Jerryit felt like time to begin passing along the insightful bon mots of having lived a hardscrabble life, informed by growing up on the mean streets of Sparta, NJ and Davenport, IA.

No tawdry tell all but rather a clever roman a clef that'll allow for insight and humor while still salvaging important careers. 

If they haven't already been self-immolated.  

Chapter 1, The Early Iowa Years, will focus on the importance of family and the powerful sibling bonding, all through the good natured teasing that every family experiences. Take, for example, these happy memories:
"Father, we need to talk. I've been hearing things..."


* "Mom told me you were adopted.  Like a puppy."

* "Dad says you have Asperger Syndrome..."

* "Mom and Dad harvested your kidney to pay for Tim's anger management therapy..."

Good times!



Later chapters will tackle deeper, more philosophical topics - pondering both the unanswerable ("hot dogs and their buns - what's so complicated about selling them in the same multiple?") as well as cultural ("The Tao of Keanu Reeves, our generation's finest actor").

Watch this space. 


Quote of the Month
                                                                                  Banksy, anonymous UK-based graffiti artist                


They called him English major.  Weanie boy. Until he did something about it...

A remarkable display of apathy-meets-belligerence - that, after Season 2016, any ND football fan could embrace.


Or possibly, simply The Mantra of The Enlightened.


Like the recently retired Jerry Perez... he of the Cape Cod-hangin', screenplay writin', carefree 'The World Is My Chimichanga' new attitude...


Then again, he is an actual, living breathing action figure.  He can say - and do - whatever the f*** he wants.        


How I Spent My Summer Vacation


Jim and Jerry meet the white Stevie Wonder
Dear diary,

As the philosopher Brittany Spears once proffered, oops, I did it again.  The Fair Lisa and I returned to Cape Cod for the second consecutive year to see if we could re-kindle the magical, Mid-Summer Night's Dream that was 'Cotuit 2016'.   


More National Lampoon than Shakespeare, this year nonetheless proved to be an idyllic, nay wildly therapeutic, experience - having once again learned many things from the local sages including, but not limited to: 1) the words 'naked' and 'Thursday' (actually any day of the week) should never appear in the same sentence and 2) unless you're John Mayer, similarly never should the words 'body' and 'wonderland' be found in the same thought.

Diary, there are some things one simply cannot un-hear.  And the associated mental images... the horror, the horror.


That said, old friends, terrific food, great enjoyable golf and a few, strategic cocktails... just what the doctor ordered.  Thank you Albert / Diane and Jerry / Jane for the wonderful hospitality!


Captain, my captain!


It's not salmon, Terry. The color is Nantucket red.


Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...


Cotuit...
I could exist here!  I could exist here!  
Happily...


Recruiting Observations

In lieu of being able to pass along pithy thoughts about the actual games - which'll, sadly, come soon enough, recruiting is something one can follow in the off season and seemingly measure performance - allowing ND Nation, year round, the same white hot contempt that it holds for Brian Kelly during autumn!  

Excellent.

"But first, show me WHAT YOU CAN DO..."

Academics are my #1 priority...
My fast, mid-cycle summary:
  • So far, so good.  Especially (and necessarily) on the defensive side
  • Very disappointing on the interesting name front 
    • if Ja'mion is our best effort, we're just not being competitive 
The End.


So I tend to leave the in-depth reviews to the more analytical classmates.  That said, one cannot help but take notice of the annual Rite of ND Masochism that is recruiting.  Here's the Dummy's Guide:

February
* We sign a 'solid' class after a few defections (where, in turn, ND snags a couple Plan B'ers with the proverbial high upside)

March - April
* ND holds a Junior Day and a couple impressionable lads sign up, typically a QB and a large, white OL from the midwest.

May - July
* A few more 4 stars declare for ND, making the 'committed' class 10-15'ish - as a bunch more kids take summer visits to ND (yeah, summer is representative of the full ND experience) and there's a collective "oh boy this could be a really good class" vibe.

Sept - October
* A bunch of 5-stars milk take official visits for ND's big games, catch some really good autumn weather, a dramatic night game experience and actually walk away thinking, "hmm, maybe..."

November
* The inevitable On-Field Fade occurs, capped by a super disappointing effort vs. a California school over Thanksgiving.  On national TV.

December
*  Those studs that visited earlier aren't taking ND calls - they're on the phone with Urban, Jim and David Shaw.

January
* It's scramble time to fill out the class.  

*And the ND proletariat has turned ugly, calling for Swarbrick's, Kelly's (and whomever is the Defensive Coordinator's) head on a spike.

The Moral of the Story:
As optimistic as it looks right now, don't waste too much time on recruiting.  It still largely, ultimately, rests on winning.  A lot.


The Wager


Time to start going into "put up or shut up' mode. And since I don't see any of you even grasping the concept of the latter - consider yourselves now on the clock.

$25 entry - some of you have prepaid (Sully, Joe S, Pat C, anyone else - let me know!)



September
2      Temple                  Labor Day weekend
9     Georgia                  Linipalooza VII
16    @Boston College 
23    @Michigan State
30    Miami (OH)        Alumni Hall / Union Pier Reunion Weekend        

October
7      @UNC         
14                       
21    USC                
28   NC State                    

November
4      Wake Forest                   
11     @Miami                     
18     Navy              
25    @Stanford






"Last year was a son of a bitch - for nearly everyone we know..."



I know you're tired and you ain't sleeping well
Uninspired and likely mad as hell
But wherever you are I hope the high road leads you home again - 
To a world you want to live in.


It is, of course, my mission to preach the Gospel of Jason and I doubt he had the current state of ND football in mind when he wrote this song - but he could've.  Hope springs eternal.  There can't be more of them than us.

Wins
Trumpian Rating
Contestant
12

Yuge.
Greatest Achievement,
In The History of The World.


11
Dave M
10



Failure.
Losers and Nut Jobs,
All Of ‘Em.
Terry, Jay, Lini, JP
9
Matt
8
Dave G, Kevin C, Jim S
7
Bill B, Jim T, Tim C
6
Ray
5

4

3 or less


Buddy's Buddy

As much as I enjoy celebrating the doofus (see below), the past few months have been witness to many a strong example of behavior that should be toasted: 


Let's start with Roger Federer, always the poster child of winning with class, comes off the 'too old to win' shelf to remind the world just who exactly is tennis' GOAT.  

Then there's 91 year old Queen Elizabeth, whose health regime recently was revealed to involve four (count 'em 4!) cocktails a day.  

You go, girl!  (Kay "It's 5 o'clock Somewhere" Corrigan is clearly going to have to raise her game.)

Been there, Jordan.
The winner however - this is supposedly a sports-based blog after all - has to be Jordan Spieth.  Winning The British Open would probably qualify alone but how he did it - by playing Greg Normanian  golf for the first 13 holes of his final round, blowing a 3 shot lead, then suddenly turning into vintage Tiger for the last 5.  Who does that?!  At 23 years old.  Yowzer.   

A final acknowledgement needs to go to a less obvious candidate, Xi Jinping, head of China's Communist party who, it was made public, has begun addressing the country's shameful human rights abuses by banning All Things Justin Bieber.  

Hey, like the 50-lawyers-at-the-bottom-of-a-lake joke, it's a good start.

---------------------------------------
And speaking of the Chinese, they're fond of embracing the notion of the 'auspicious number'.  For example, the number '4' is considered unlucky because it sounds like the word for death in Mandarin.  Which makes sense, because if you're a football coach, and 4 is associated with you, as in "you only won 4 freaking games?!", professional death cannot be far away.

Now when you get to 9, things start to get lucky again.  Except in the SEC where numbers that high get tricky for their fanbases... (don't even get them started on subtraction).


But I digress.  How about trying this one on for size:  5-25. As in May 25th birthdays.  Once is notable, 2x is a coincidence, 3x is definitely not to be taken lightly...


Ted
1917

Kay
1925



Clare
2017


Terry's Trolls

If one could harvest energy through stupidity, we'd have the world's most inexhaustible supply of power.

Of this I am sure - I can't even keep up the various sources!


Let's recap a few of the Summer's star performers...



"Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain..."
Friedrich Schiller
Poet, Philosopher & Playwright


 1.Mr. Met

Flipping off a fan?  Dude you don't even have enough digits!  

Though one must applaud your commitment to the effort.  Well, at least the Philadelphia fandom does.

 2. LaVar Ball.

I know it's a shtick but you really do need to learn to just. stop. talking.


 3.  David Price.  

Over-react to criticism much?! 

You don't berate THE ECK!

 4.  Hugh Freeze.  


Hyooooie, you got some esplainin' to do... 

Your tweets scream, "forgive me!"
But your phone records scream, "Do me!"

 5.  Outback Steakhouse.  


Why I love the Internet:  rumor has it that this bastion of middle class cuisine is a front for a satanic cult... eek!  

As one blogger put it, when you said, "enjoy the taste of Down Under", we didn't think you meant Hell!


6. The Mooch.   

As the answer to the hypothetical, 'what if you put a Sopranos character on the White House staff?', he left before we even got to say, WTF?  But fear not, he's "gone dark" (begging the obvious question, "weren't you dark enough already?'") 

But he's promised to re-emerge.  

As himself.   Mooch 2.0.

The mind reels.

I'm baaaack...



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