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Saturday, August 26, 2017

Searching For A Rainbow

"Can't ya see? Ohhhh can't ya see..." 

What a lovely metaphor for ND football prognostication. Unfortunately, history suggests that virtually all of us cannot see.  Certainly not as it pertains to divining Notre Dame football success.  

But Hope, or Stupidity, springs eternal.  Get those wagers in - Vegas cares not what your IQ or pedigree is. Show me the money. 

A word about Marshall Tucker, a band I'm not even sure many of the 70's east coast hipsters are terribly familiar with - they of the "dude, I loved Springsteen before he made the cover of Time..." or "you know, I snuck into CBGB's and saw The Ramones and Television back in the day, it was epic..."  pretension.  Whatever.

Marshall Tucker was YUUUUGGGEEE in Iowa in the mid-to-late '70s - and I was reacquainted with the fact while visiting mom last weekend.  Such are the unintended benefits of living in a time warp.  

I was there to check on Life in her new Independent Living environs (she's rocking it), bring her a couple cases of wine (Cab + Chardonnay... variety is the spice of Life) and most importantly, get her insights into the coming football season. To wit:

* 10 wins are a mortal lock.  And if any of her sons think less, she considers them to a profound disappointment and should go to church more.  And get a haircut.

* Practice patience with Brandon "Jersey Boy" Wimbush but by October, he'll be The Real Deal.

* The D will be much improved under Elko's tutelage, playing significantly more assignment sure.  But she's concerned about their ability to generate a consistent pass rush.

*  They'll beat Sparty handily.  But UNC might be a trap game, given it's proximity to both mid-terms, the team looking ahead to USC and the Tar Heel's apparent lack of, um, real classes to attend. 

So there you have it, bitches. 

Word of the Week 

As Young Jerrence contemplated this year's prediction, he mused over the fugacious nature of Notre Dame's past performances - a worry, strictly speaking, that his mother reminded him required the team having any actual success to begin with.

Quote of the Day

"I Will Not Be Coming Back..."
Mavis Wanczyk, Powerball winner 
to her boss

An immediate $759 million prize will often drive such impulsive decisions.  

So let's be clear, the ND pool will not be quite so lucrative. One should therefore be cautioned from making such a proclamation, in the unlikely event you should win. 

Archduke Franz Ferdinand. French philosophers.  Dale Murphy. Bring it on.
Still, that's no reason not to be excited about the upcoming season, starting with the singular 'sure thing':  The Stayer Lot tailgater. 

- The ridiculous amounts (and variety) of food! 

- The drink.  The Behrens' Bloody Mary... mother's milk I tell you!  

And the luminaries you'll get to meet to discuss the topics of the day!  

The Arts & Majors representatives alone will keep you spellbound.  Believe me when I tell you "dizzying intellect" does not begin to describe them.

And don't get me started on the pithy insights from the College of Engineering grads. Three hours with those guys and you'll be changed forever.

While I'm on the 'looking forward to' subject, other things that have me all a-tingle:

* The new season of American Horror Story (is there a better metaphor for ND football, I think not), starting September 5th!

* John Mellencamp, tonight at Ravinia - courtesy of my patron, Ray Volk.  Hoosier Rock!

* Jason Isbell at Chicago Theater next Friday.  Best songwriter in America today - don't try to argue this point.

* Alumni Hall reunion weekend.  Mike Gordon wines, Brian Ward Irish coffees.  

* Ryan Corrigan wedding.  Navy SEAL's meet the Corrigan brothers.  

Reality TV gold, Jerry. Gold!

*ND vs. Wisconsin.  Return to Lambeau!   Granted, that's 2020 - but it's never too early to plan.

The Wager

One week left.  
Serious business.  Sex and violence and rock 'n roll.*   Where is the late, smart (using that term very loosely) money gonna land?  Let me know.

$25 entry - some of you have prepaid (Sully, Joe S, Pat C, anyone else - let me know!)

*And bloody mary's. 

2      Temple                  
9     Georgia                  Linipalooza VII
16    @Boston College 
23    @Michigan State
30    Miami (OH)        

7      @UNC         
21    USC                
28   NC State                    

4      Wake Forest                   
11     @Miami                     
18     Navy              
25    @Stanford

Trumpian Rating

Greatest Achievement,
In The History of The World.

Bryan G, Brian M, Joe S
Dave M, Raz The Elder,

Losers and Nut Jobs,
All Of ‘Em.
Terry, Jay, Lini, JP, John P, Phillip, Ted, Peter B, Daryl
Matt L, Graham C, Mark U, Shea C, Dennis R, Bob J
Dave G, Kevin C, Jim S, Jerry P, Tim S, Alex S, Jim B, Brian W,  Spittler the Elder, Blair
Bill B, Jim T, Tim C, Mike C, Mike G, Jerry W, Kevin M, Tom F,  Ryan C, Garrett R
Ray V, Alvin B, John L, Randy Ri, Ward H
Jim R, Randy Ra,

3 or less

Final Thought.

Already planning The Retirement Years Vision...

Monday, August 7, 2017

Guns of August

Cocktail of the Month

In light of the recent passing of coach Parseghian, the man arguably most responsible for most of our collective, lifelong ND football psychoses ("We love you! We hate you!"), let's start with a summer-y beverage that harkens back to (what we choose to believe were) 'the good ole days' seems not only appropriate but necessary.

And so, I give you...

Daiq' To The Future
Back To The Future (1985)
Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Not only 1985's top grossing film about what it would be like to date your own mother, Back To The Future was also 1985's top grossing film, period - skidding into multi-plexes everywhere with Oedipal overtones and teenage hormones.  Michael J. Fox gives a timeless performance as Marty, an era-hopping slacker whose whacky-haired sidekick (Christopher Lloyd in eccentric Einstein mode) inadvertently wraps him up in a Libyan terrorist mishap that sends him 30 years into the past.

Time stands still with our Tang-fueled cocktail that'll keep one ticking through further Future installments.
  • Tang powder, for cocktail rim
  • 2 oz. Pilar dark rum
  • 1 oz. lime juice
  • 3/4 oz. simple syrup
  • 2 strawberries, halved
Rim a chilled cocktail glass in Tang powder and set aside.  Combine all the ingredients with ice in a shaker.  Shake well and double strain into the cocktail glass.  (Just don't drink and drive - especially not with daiquiri's and DeLoreans.)

At any rate, since the last post, another critical corner was turned - this blogger's passing the 60 1/2 age mark which - rounded up (as one does) is 61!  Meaning... MEMOIR TIME!  

With a working title of Start Making Sense! The Convoluted Cacophonies of a Wannabe Jerryit felt like time to begin passing along the insightful bon mots of having lived a hardscrabble life, informed by growing up on the mean streets of Sparta, NJ and Davenport, IA.

No tawdry tell all but rather a clever roman a clef that'll allow for insight and humor while still salvaging important careers. 

If they haven't already been self-immolated.  

Chapter 1, The Early Iowa Years, will focus on the importance of family and the powerful sibling bonding, all through the good natured teasing that every family experiences. Take, for example, these happy memories:
"Father, we need to talk. I've been hearing things..."

* "Mom told me you were adopted.  Like a puppy."

* "Dad says you have Asperger Syndrome..."

* "Mom and Dad harvested your kidney to pay for Tim's anger management therapy..."

Good times!

Later chapters will tackle deeper, more philosophical topics - pondering both the unanswerable ("hot dogs and their buns - what's so complicated about selling them in the same multiple?") as well as cultural ("The Tao of Keanu Reeves, our generation's finest actor").

Watch this space. 

Quote of the Month
                                                                                  Banksy, anonymous UK-based graffiti artist                

They called him English major.  Weanie boy. Until he did something about it...

A remarkable display of apathy-meets-belligerence - that, after Season 2016, any ND football fan could embrace.

Or possibly, simply The Mantra of The Enlightened.

Like the recently retired Jerry Perez... he of the Cape Cod-hangin', screenplay writin', carefree 'The World Is My Chimichanga' new attitude...

Then again, he is an actual, living breathing action figure.  He can say - and do - whatever the f*** he wants.        

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Jim and Jerry meet the white Stevie Wonder
Dear diary,

As the philosopher Brittany Spears once proffered, oops, I did it again.  The Fair Lisa and I returned to Cape Cod for the second consecutive year to see if we could re-kindle the magical, Mid-Summer Night's Dream that was 'Cotuit 2016'.   

More National Lampoon than Shakespeare, this year nonetheless proved to be an idyllic, nay wildly therapeutic, experience - having once again learned many things from the local sages including, but not limited to: 1) the words 'naked' and 'Thursday' (actually any day of the week) should never appear in the same sentence and 2) unless you're John Mayer, similarly never should the words 'body' and 'wonderland' be found in the same thought.

Diary, there are some things one simply cannot un-hear.  And the associated mental images... the horror, the horror.

That said, old friends, terrific food, great enjoyable golf and a few, strategic cocktails... just what the doctor ordered.  Thank you Albert / Diane and Jerry / Jane for the wonderful hospitality!

Captain, my captain!

It's not salmon, Terry. The color is Nantucket red.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...

I could exist here!  I could exist here!  

Recruiting Observations

In lieu of being able to pass along pithy thoughts about the actual games - which'll, sadly, come soon enough, recruiting is something one can follow in the off season and seemingly measure performance - allowing ND Nation, year round, the same white hot contempt that it holds for Brian Kelly during autumn!  


"But first, show me WHAT YOU CAN DO..."

Academics are my #1 priority...
My fast, mid-cycle summary:
  • So far, so good.  Especially (and necessarily) on the defensive side
  • Very disappointing on the interesting name front 
    • if Ja'mion is our best effort, we're just not being competitive 
The End.

So I tend to leave the in-depth reviews to the more analytical classmates.  That said, one cannot help but take notice of the annual Rite of ND Masochism that is recruiting.  Here's the Dummy's Guide:

* We sign a 'solid' class after a few defections (where, in turn, ND snags a couple Plan B'ers with the proverbial high upside)

March - April
* ND holds a Junior Day and a couple impressionable lads sign up, typically a QB and a large, white OL from the midwest.

May - July
* A few more 4 stars declare for ND, making the 'committed' class 10-15'ish - as a bunch more kids take summer visits to ND (yeah, summer is representative of the full ND experience) and there's a collective "oh boy this could be a really good class" vibe.

Sept - October
* A bunch of 5-stars milk take official visits for ND's big games, catch some really good autumn weather, a dramatic night game experience and actually walk away thinking, "hmm, maybe..."

* The inevitable On-Field Fade occurs, capped by a super disappointing effort vs. a California school over Thanksgiving.  On national TV.

*  Those studs that visited earlier aren't taking ND calls - they're on the phone with Urban, Jim and David Shaw.

* It's scramble time to fill out the class.  

*And the ND proletariat has turned ugly, calling for Swarbrick's, Kelly's (and whomever is the Defensive Coordinator's) head on a spike.

The Moral of the Story:
As optimistic as it looks right now, don't waste too much time on recruiting.  It still largely, ultimately, rests on winning.  A lot.

The Wager

Time to start going into "put up or shut up' mode. And since I don't see any of you even grasping the concept of the latter - consider yourselves now on the clock.

$25 entry - some of you have prepaid (Sully, Joe S, Pat C, anyone else - let me know!)

2      Temple                  Labor Day weekend
9     Georgia                  Linipalooza VII
16    @Boston College 
23    @Michigan State
30    Miami (OH)        Alumni Hall / Union Pier Reunion Weekend        

7      @UNC         
21    USC                
28   NC State                    

4      Wake Forest                   
11     @Miami                     
18     Navy              
25    @Stanford

"Last year was a son of a bitch - for nearly everyone we know..."

I know you're tired and you ain't sleeping well
Uninspired and likely mad as hell
But wherever you are I hope the high road leads you home again - 
To a world you want to live in.

It is, of course, my mission to preach the Gospel of Jason and I doubt he had the current state of ND football in mind when he wrote this song - but he could've.  Hope springs eternal.  There can't be more of them than us.

Trumpian Rating

Greatest Achievement,
In The History of The World.

Dave M

Losers and Nut Jobs,
All Of ‘Em.
Terry, Jay, Lini, JP
Dave G, Kevin C, Jim S
Bill B, Jim T, Tim C


3 or less

Buddy's Buddy

As much as I enjoy celebrating the doofus (see below), the past few months have been witness to many a strong example of behavior that should be toasted: 

Let's start with Roger Federer, always the poster child of winning with class, comes off the 'too old to win' shelf to remind the world just who exactly is tennis' GOAT.  

Then there's 91 year old Queen Elizabeth, whose health regime recently was revealed to involve four (count 'em 4!) cocktails a day.  

You go, girl!  (Kay "It's 5 o'clock Somewhere" Corrigan is clearly going to have to raise her game.)

Been there, Jordan.
The winner however - this is supposedly a sports-based blog after all - has to be Jordan Spieth.  Winning The British Open would probably qualify alone but how he did it - by playing Greg Normanian  golf for the first 13 holes of his final round, blowing a 3 shot lead, then suddenly turning into vintage Tiger for the last 5.  Who does that?!  At 23 years old.  Yowzer.   

A final acknowledgement needs to go to a less obvious candidate, Xi Jinping, head of China's Communist party who, it was made public, has begun addressing the country's shameful human rights abuses by banning All Things Justin Bieber.  

Hey, like the 50-lawyers-at-the-bottom-of-a-lake joke, it's a good start.

And speaking of the Chinese, they're fond of embracing the notion of the 'auspicious number'.  For example, the number '4' is considered unlucky because it sounds like the word for death in Mandarin.  Which makes sense, because if you're a football coach, and 4 is associated with you, as in "you only won 4 freaking games?!", professional death cannot be far away.

Now when you get to 9, things start to get lucky again.  Except in the SEC where numbers that high get tricky for their fanbases... (don't even get them started on subtraction).

But I digress.  How about trying this one on for size:  5-25. As in May 25th birthdays.  Once is notable, 2x is a coincidence, 3x is definitely not to be taken lightly...




Terry's Trolls

If one could harvest energy through stupidity, we'd have the world's most inexhaustible supply of power.

Of this I am sure - I can't even keep up the various sources!

Let's recap a few of the Summer's star performers...

"Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain..."
Friedrich Schiller
Poet, Philosopher & Playwright

 1.Mr. Met

Flipping off a fan?  Dude you don't even have enough digits!  

Though one must applaud your commitment to the effort.  Well, at least the Philadelphia fandom does.

 2. LaVar Ball.

I know it's a shtick but you really do need to learn to just. stop. talking.

 3.  David Price.  

Over-react to criticism much?! 

You don't berate THE ECK!

 4.  Hugh Freeze.  

Hyooooie, you got some esplainin' to do... 

Your tweets scream, "forgive me!"
But your phone records scream, "Do me!"

 5.  Outback Steakhouse.  

Why I love the Internet:  rumor has it that this bastion of middle class cuisine is a front for a satanic cult... eek!  

As one blogger put it, when you said, "enjoy the taste of Down Under", we didn't think you meant Hell!

6. The Mooch.   

As the answer to the hypothetical, 'what if you put a Sopranos character on the White House staff?', he left before we even got to say, WTF?  But fear not, he's "gone dark" (begging the obvious question, "weren't you dark enough already?'") 

But he's promised to re-emerge.  

As himself.   Mooch 2.0.

The mind reels.

I'm baaaack...