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Friday, June 6, 2014

Hot Town, Summer In The City

"Welcome, class.  Or as you're known in the faculty lounge,  fresh meat."
After pouring out my heart last month over one of my life's most traumatic events - The Satanic Bag Woman of Brighton Incident - an older brother suggested that perhaps I was living too much in the past.  

"Time to move on", he said.  Or some such rubbish.

This from the guy who watches movies for a living.  

Penn's 2014 Teacher Of The Year?  Recognition far overdue.  

But Mr. Grounded In Reality?  Not on anyone's short-list.

And of course coming right before our latest class reunion, his advice - as it so often has, historically - fell on completely deaf ears.  Hot Tub Time Machine, here I come!

There's a reason they only hold these every five years.  The same reason no one sane brings a spouse who's not a class member.  It's simply too... unpredictable.

 Song of the Month

I don't like to 'go back to the well', musically, but this being The Reunion Edition, revisiting old faves seems justified.  And the words of this awesome song rang too true - literally and figuratively.  Again I tell you all:  if you haven't yet discovered Jason Isbell, do so.  Your musical stylings will be significantly better for it.

"Here it is morning for some folks, twilight for those of us left.
Give up the dangers of sunstroke.  And make little fools of ourselves..."

Word of the Month

APODYOPSIS (n.)   apo-DI-opsis
:  The act of mentally undressing someone

Used in a sentence: Over the years, Young Terry felt conflicted over the increasingly rampant apodyopsis taking place at the Reunion weekends. He hated the feeling of being repeatedly objectified in such a base manner, especially by the Dillon guys. 

No means no.

A Long Day's Journey Into Night... started with Lini-fest.

25 guys, a keg, a pig...  and ping pong balls.   In other words, "Senior Year: The Sequel".   Thanks again, Raz, for so foolishly opening your home to this group.  You are a true risk-taker.

"Make yourselves at home while I get Jerry."   Okay...
"You should know Judy doesn't negotiate w. terrorists..."
"One more guy and we've got a boy band..."
"Think they called each other about color coordination?"

"Seriously, Jerry.  Jack Morris?!
"Ya know, this is not the 1st time I've had my hands on a pig..."

Reunion observations -"Heard on the berm" (and elsewhere)
"How does this help w my club choice?"

Which was sorta like watching an ND football game in Scotchlandia.  Which is to say, only periodically comprehensible but always really entertaining.

"Maybe it's time for bed, Pete..."
  • "When I told my contractor that I loved my new sconces, he told me that's about the gayest thing he's ever heard..."
  • "This is my swamp."
  • "What creature do you think is living under that mound of hair?"
  • "That was chicken cordon bleu?!"
  • "I would think 191 buildings on campus is enough, wouldn't you?"
  • "Will you take these Basilica Tour passes as payment for our breakfast?"
  • "I never drink Gin & Tonics in weather below 80 degrees." 
    • "Well then, you're in luck."
  • "Dolls still scare me."
  • "I'm a Frisbee god."
    "Classmate in distress!"
  • "You look like you're channeling American Hustle."
  • "Did you meet K________?  She's freaking craaaazzzyy."
  • "Can I have my father's wheelchair back now?"
  • "The class gift certainly isn't going toward fitted sheets..."
  •  "Obamacare!"

"Tell me more about this Shrek character..."
"Did we play good golf?  Um, define 'good'..."

"Yes, JP, there'll be serving cake..."

"Sully, what exactly are you doing in that picture..."

"A merkle?  Like the Chancellor of Germany?"
"She really called you... 'delightful'?"
"Mark and Bob, you look like... angels."
"I told you, Jay, not to sit next to him..."

"I'll give you an hour to remove your hand, Ted..."

"What's so odd about a man loving his sconses?

"Did someone mention... breakfast?"
It's taken 35 yrs. to look this seemingly respectable.

Buddy's Buddy
Year after year... certainly 5 years-after-5 years...  he consistently delivers for us.  Sure he gets some help (big assist to Raz for this year's wine procurement) but no one takes more on than Our Man Jerome Anthony.

This year's reunion was no exception. Whether it's at his apartment or on University grounds, he throws a consistently awesome party.

One supposes it's no accident he was born on D-Day. No doubt when he hit the proverbial beach, the shit hit the fan.  And we've all been the beneficiaries ever since.  

Usually from a distance, safely out of the line of fire.  Thanks again, Jer, for all that you do.

Recruiting Update

Sure I could tell you the latest in the recruiting cycle but where's the fun in that: a) you probably know it already and b) they're 18 yr. olds! They can't even commit to a fast food choice.  

You know they're gonna change their minds three times before September... so relax.  How about something different, like a pop quiz!  (Most of these actually have a true answer.)
1.  Did you know we're recruiting an actual:  

a)  Ninja
b)  Pygmy
c)  Hermaphrodite
d)  Amish


2.  Which celebrity's son is a bonafide 4-star WR and seriously considering ND:

a)  Kim Jong Un
b)  Snoop Dog
c)  Phil Spector
d)  Julian Assange

3.  The coaching staff is going to increasingly remote, non-traditional locales to source their recruits, including:

a)  Westeros
b)  Canada
c)  Crimea
d)  Dowagiac

4.  ND plans to augment it's already popular Trick Shot Monday with which of the following:
"To Infinity and beyond!"

a)  Dwarf Toss Tuesday 
b)  Cornhole Wednesday 
c)  Naked Twister Thursday 
d)  Ping Pong Ball Relay Friday

5.  In order to continue recruiting effectively on a national basis, ND has 'raised their game' with which of the following innovations:

a)  Guided tours of the recruit's own high school campuses.  Led by Lini and Ungie.
Blake Barnett, I got your offer right here."
b)  Offer letters delivered via Predator drone.
c)  Satellite ND summer football camps in talent-rich areas of the country.
d)  Partnering with Google on a new app - Google Commit -  which tracks HS athletes' movements, both on and off-line, allowing them to easily commit (and subsequently de-commit) with the touch of their smart phones.

6.  The most creatively named recruit - so far - has a first name of:

a)  Equanimeous
b)  Sesquipedalias
c)  Antediluvius
d)  Side Swipe

Quote of The Month

"My game is like the Pythagorean Theorem.  No one has an answer..."
Shaquille O'Neal

Nothing quite sums up so many of the consistently unfathomable conversations - or the golf - I experienced at the Reunion.  

(And that was just with my old housemates.) 

Looking to Next Season... 

And I mean the tailgate season, it's 'A' Lot's FINAL YEAR!    Plan your pilgrimage early! 
Home games look like this:

28      Rice
Will work for food.

6       Michigan  -- LINIPALOOZA!   
This year a petting zoo on the terrace...
With llama's. And marmots!

4      Stanford
11    North Carolina

15    Northwestern
22    Louisville

And This Year's Bet... 

Your Attitudinal Construct:  Songs Of The Talking Heads.
Time to start wrapping your head around what space you think the team is going to land in this year:



Representative Lyric

ND Application 


“Here's your ticket,
Pack your bag.
Time for jumpin' overboard...

Man Oh Man Oh Man... if we win this much, something's getting lit up!

Starting with me. 




 is a place... 

where nothing...

nothing ever happens...”

Boy, attaining this level of consistent, calm excellence... 

I could get used to.



Once In A Lifetime

"And you may ask yourself, 
how did I get here?

Same as it ever was..."

8-5... again?! 

How did we get to this point of near constant mediocrity?



The Big Country

“I wouldn't live there if you paid me. 

I couldn't live that, no siree..."

Both 'A' Lot and ND football - gone the way of the dinosaur.

I need to make some profound changes in my life.



No Compassion

“They say compassion is a virtue... 

But I don't have the time.”

Empathy for our pathetic football program is over-rated.  

I'm done.  

Hello, lacrosse.



Psycho Killer 

“Run run run run 
run run run away…

Oh oh ohhhhhh... 
ay yai yai 
yai yai...”

Mom, dad is just staring at the TV.

He's not even paying attention to the football game.

And I think he's drooling.



An English Major Walks Into A Bar...

I've never been that big of a fan of Hemingway.  He embraces, as The Dude would say, 'the whole brevity thing', which, while I understand the concept, I don't understand the point.  But it is summertime and lacking in any golf-related novel, this felt most apropos:

The Old Man And The Seagram's
by Ernest Hemingway(1952)
Albert in five three years...
A Pulitzer winner drowning in biblical allegory, this book was Hemingway's final published work in a career dripping with awards, accolades and alcohol.  

The premise is simple (and familiar to Moby Dick readers):  an old man sets out to destroy a fish in an act of single minded delirium.  During an epic 3-day battle in which the marlin is finally defeated, hitched to the side of the boat and - hey, old chum! - eaten by sharks en route to shore, the old man emerges weary but victorious.  Not unlike all of us coming off the golf course.

So get yourself invited to Al or Jerry's Cape Cod places, throw on your fisherman gear and have at it!
  • 2 oz. whiskey
  • 1 can (12 oz.) lemon-lime soda
  • kumquat, for garnish
Warning you're gonna need a bigger glass! Combine the whiskey 'n soda over ice in a highball glass. Alternatively, lose the glass and grab your special fisherman's flask.   Just don't sip and sail.

Schadenfreude Time

1.   Miami Heat.  It may be only Game 1 but like the joke about 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean, it's a start.

Mystery Cretin Time - Reunion Edition!

1.  ____________.  "I've just recently returned from India where I traveled extensively, curing more than my fair share of The Unclean on the way.  There is literally a topic I cannot comfortably converse on, irrespective of my actual knowledge base, including Obamacare which, ironically, came up in a surprising number of my conversations with fellow classmates. 

Oh and I find Dave Marcel simply delightful."

2.  ____________.  "Barbara, I'm very disappointed we didn't say grace before Saturday night's dinner..."

3.  ____________.   "Simple math, like division, gives me fits.  But I know more arcane information about Sacred Heart basilica than anyone alive, including our guide who says he's been studying it for, like, 41 years.  As if.  Over the next hour, I'm going to demonstrate it to everyone on this tour - whether you want to hear it or not..."

Final Thought #1
Dear God, I don't ask for much - actually I kinda do - but if You could deliver us an Alex Flanagan 2.0...

Final Thought #2
"Shea, you don't have to share w. your mother everything you heard ."