Week 6 (2013): Getting Up Off The Mat

So Terry & Lisa went to the cinema this past weekend, taking in "Gravity" - the new, highly visual Alfonso Cuaron film that seduces one to pony up for a 3D ticket while pondering grandiose concepts about one's place in the cosmos and ultimately, coming to grips with the question (quite literally), "What kind of name for a girl is Ryan?"  

Heavy stuff.

But that was my take.  Not so much Lisa's.  Her interpretation was markedly more straightforward: 

• Space flight with George Clooney?  Where do I sign up?
• Possibility of getting launched untethered into intergalactic nothingness w him? Not a deal breaker.

Incoming, 'A' Lot!

But for ND Nation, there is an undeniably relevant metaphor about being adrift. And I might add, not giving up... being extraordinarily resilient (and creative) in getting yourself back on the right path.  One can only believe coach Kelly and the team caught the film on their way down to Dallas.  

Well done, team.  Let's hope this is a genuine turning point.


Text of the Week
I hope you have plenty of ice orbs.

                  Received before ND-ASU game, 10/5/13

Song of The Week 
Saturday was my (our) 28th anniversary and to say that I am Ray Guy when it outcomes to outkicking one's matrimonial coverage would be stating the glaringly obvious - a claim many could also safely make.

And by 'many', I mean all of you.  So irrespective of the game and this week's theme, this one's for you, Lisa Ann and everyone's respective better halves.  (From one of my Top 10 albums by the way).

Lyrics unnecessary.

WORD OF THE WEEK 
RECTOPATHIC    rek·toe·path-ik

adjective 

:  easily emotionally bruised

Used in a sentence:  Lisa suggested that perhaps I was too rectopathic to invest so much, psychologically, in the fortunes of the Notre Dame football program.  Naturally, I exploded into tears.

Tuesday's with Murphy & Seamus.

Buddy:  So does this mean that you guys are now, like, a permanent fixture on this site?  Sweet.

Murphy:  Damn straight.  And if this works out the way we've been led to believe, there'll be a three picture deal about us starring Hank Azaria.

Buddy:  Dare to dream, Murph.

Seamus:  Can we please get back on point here - Saturday night's game?  Judging only by their helmets, it would appear that Arizona State came to the game directly from an extremely violent paintball outing.

Buddy:  Or they shared a bad burrito if you catch my drift...

Murphy:  Worse than that is the poor guy who probably paid good money for a ticket and got seated behind David Robinson.  Tragic.  And I bet he didn't even get a whiff of those nachos The Admiral was scarfing...  
Buddy:  Boys, the game please.

Seamus:  Right.  My money for this week's award can only go two possible places:  Jaylon Smith or the Offensive Line.

Buddy:  Solid choices, no doubt.  

"Better to be lucky than good is NOT a sustainable operating principle."

Murphy:  As much as it pains me to say this, I have to agree with my esteemed housemate.  And of the two - and not just because I'm big and slow - I'd go with the O-line.  Jaylon made some clutch plays but ASU blitzed a crazy stupid amount of the time and barely sniffed our immobile QB.  
Buddy:  Fair enough.  O-Line it is. Plus, the way Jaylon's progressing down the learning curve, he's gonna be in this conversation a lot in the future.
Seamus:  You want to talk 'crazy stupid'?  Crazy and stupid is the ridiculous amount both offenses and defenses these days now look ALL THE TIME to their sidelines before a play is snapped.  Just hike the ball and get on with it...  
Buddy:  Amen, witness.

"It's called 'End of 'A' Lot'."

Nimbus clouds over Valpo tonight. Rain a-comin'.  It's always struck me that no one conceptualized clouds quite like William Blake.  Some day Cincotta, Lindon and I will supp at J Sheekey's in the West End, tour the Tate Gallery and wax poetic o'er the complex magnificence of clouds.  And hit all of Terry's favorite Embankment pubs.

Game Time -Let's Play 'Word Association!

• Tom Hammonds.  Eek!
• Alex Flanagan.   Whew.
• Kyle Brindza.  Ick.
• Tommy Rees.  Sigh.
• GAIII.  Hmmm.
• Pass Interference.  Again?
• Jaylon Smith.  Yippee!
• Stephon Tuitt.  Invisible.
• Jarrett Grace.  Sad.
• ND uniforms.  Mormon?
• Our safeties.  Clueless.
• Nick Martin.  Spastic.
• Brindza (part Deux).  Yes!
• O-line.  Stout.
• TJ Jones.  Returner?!
• Troy Niklas.   Atlas.
• Matthias Farley.  Godawful.
• Cam McDaniels.  Tough.

The Schedule

August / September	October	November
31    TEMPLE                         W     7    @Michigan                       L   14   @Purdue                           W  21   MICHIGAN STATE         W  28   OKLAHOMA*                L	5   ARIZONA STATE (Dallas)            W  19   USC                                        26   @Air Force	2     NAVY                       9    @Pitt                       23    BYU    30    @Stanford

*Linipalooza!

THE BET

Team 10.  Alive!  Not that they... we... harbor any grand illusions yet of this sticking.  But we take it one game at a time... and with a bye week, we live for two more weeks.

Wins	Philospher	School of Thought / Representative Quote	Modern Translation	Contestant  prediction
12	EPICURIS	The Self-Indulgent & Excessive “You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day.  You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity..”	Man up! We’re still BCS bound even w/o Everett and Eddie! Go Irish!  (And stop bogarting the wine skin, bro…)
11				Kevin C, Ray, Dave M
10	KIERKEGAARD	The Logical “Face the facts of being what you are, for that changes what you are…”	Epicuris is an incorrigible drunk but he’s right about this still being a very good team.  That said, losing Golson has to cost us a game or two.	Terry, Peter, Ted, Mike G, Jay, JP, Daryl, Jerry W, Dennis
9				Raz, Jim S, Jim T, Bob S, Tim C Jerry C, Mike C, Tom, Randy Tim S, Blair, Kevin M, Shea, Mark
8	WITTGENSTEIN	The Realist “I sit astride Life like a bad rider on a horse.  I only owe it to the horse’s good nature that I am not thrown off at this very moment…”	I don’t have a clue what’s gonna happen but the odds alone suggest we’ll win 7-8 and go bowling in Shreveport.	Garrett, Bryan, John, Brian, Lini, Jerry P, Ryan C, Matt
7				Alvin
6	SCHOPENHAUER	The Skeptic “The wise have always said the same things, and fools, who are the majority, have always done just the opposite…”	Epicurus is delusional. Everett is a significant loss. The entire ‘O’ was built around him. Bet high at your peril.
5
4	DIOGENES	The Cynic “What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others…”	The high point of the year is gonna be the ‘A’ Lot experience.  Again. Not that that's a bad thing.
3
2	NIETZSCHE	The Nihilist “A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything…”	Honestly, why bother with any of this?  Life beyond ‘A’ Lot is a wretched, futile existence - devoid of meaning. May I have another Bloody?
1

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

The White Rushin' To An Early Grave

• 2 oz. Crystal Head vodka  (thank you again, Kevin)
  
• 2 oz. Kahlua coffee liqueur
• 2 oz.  heavy cream (your 'get back in fighting shape' diet isn't working anyway)
• Cinnamon and cocoa powder to taste

Mix the first two ingredients.  Pour over ice.  Top with the cream and cinnamon and cocoa powder (if you want).  Or just whip up some Sanka and add a few glugs of vodka and milk.  Nobody's here to judge you.  

Especially since "nobody" is in the living room watching last week's episode of 'Revenge'.  

After ND scores, yell out, "Woo hoo! I'm NW Indiana white trash and proud of it!"  It's okay, nobody can hear you laugh at your uncanny ability to amuse yourself.

Oops. Nobody's standing right behind you with a plate of nachos she's made for you to watch the game.  

Well that was a little embarrassing.

SCHADENFREUDE

A lot of close games this past weekend; too many of which went the way of the underdog. Sadly.   

1.  Penn State.  I recognize they're serving time for a crime they arguably they themselves didn't commit, other than worshiping false god(s).  But I still don't like them. Kinda never have. So to see them get eviscerated by perennial Big 10 doormat, the Hoosiers?  Fantastic.  

I'm shocked, shocked! to hear someone's making inappropriate inquiries on SC's behalf.

2.  USC.  They didn't even play this past week but that doesn't mean they didn't have a bad week as 'phantom' university representatives are reaching out to possible coaching candidates, not only getting quick rejections (see Dungy, Tony) but forcing AD Haden to spend a lot of time disavowing any knowledge of these random acts.

LANE'S LADS

In honor of the untimely demise of this section's patron saint, we're dedicating this segment to coach Kiffin for the balance of the season.

It's no surprise that Lane's exit Stage Left has left a profound void in The Cretin Cosmos.  And yea verily, briefly I did despair.  But that's before athletes from the wildnerness did reveal themselves...

1. Donte Whitner.  This is what happens when entitled athletes try to be clever after getting hit in the head too many times.  Mr. Whitner, he of the Ohio State pedigree and currently a 49'er, has decided that he wants to change his name and drop the 'W' in his last name, to make Hitner.  Hit?  Get it?  For someone from Columbus, that's off the charts innovative.  But perhaps I'm being too harsh. Maybe he just was tired of always having his name called last in school.  
2.  Jadeveon Clowney.  Okay, this has as much to do with the NFL-NCAA agreement as it does the guy, but still.   Presumptive #1 pick in the 2014 NFL draft tells his coaching staff he couldn't play, just prior to last weekend's kickoff, because 'his ribs hurt', amidst speculation that young Clowney has gotten significantly more sensitive to his professional future than his collegiate present.  Suggesting once again that there is no 'I' in team but there is a 'me'.
3.  Dominic Raiola.   As much as I love and revere the great city of Detroit (and I do), every so often one of their athletic citizenry does something inexplicable that makes you just say, "why?"  This week's poster boy is the Lions' center, in Green Bay this past weekend trying to help the team overcome their 22 year losing streak in the state (they did not) and apparently, he just went off, dropping f-bombs and gay slurs... on the Wisconsin band.  The band. 

"I know you're in there, Schaub. I just want to talk..."

4.  Houston Texan fans. Matt Schaub is a pretty good QB having a pretty bad year. Disappointment abounds for a team (and it's fanbase) that always seems to be in the early Super Bowl conversations. But that doesn't give one the right to basically stalk him... go to his home, take (and post on FB) pictures of his family. As some did this week. Stay classy, Houston.  (Editorial note: if this were Philadelphia, it'd simply be BAU.)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."               

 George Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

Doesn't it seem like we've been in this place before? With this program? On the cusp of turning the corner.  Or not.

Final Thought - I

And after seeing Georgia on TV a lot lately, specifically their senior WR, the brilliantly monikered Rantavious Wooten, it got me to ponder where has the creativity gone in naming our children these days?  After all, any idiot can give his daughter a boy's name, there's nothing innovative about that.  But drawing on all letters in the alphabet - and the associated phonics - that's hard work.

To that point, check out Key & Peele's latest riff on the subject.  These two might be the funniest guys on TV right now.   For you BBC fans (and you know who you are), make sure you catch this year's Dan Smith-like punchline.

Final Thought - II

Masterpiece Theater

I know not from whence these videos came. Legend has it no one does. But they beg to be shown.  Shot in the raw, gritty style of an early David Lynch (Think 'Eraserhead Meets Animal House').   Blissfully without audio, the series - and know this: there are many - chronicles college life at the end of the turbulent 70's.  

Undeniably dark (literally and figuratively). More than a little mystifying. Borderline disturbing.  Documentary #1 is, simply, "801 Throws A Party."

So innocuous sounding.  And yet not. Almost all of you will want to check this series out.  Series. Again, as in more than one. More each coming week.

Be advised: the only crimes committed seem to be fashion and hair-related.  Except for the guy in drag. Pretty sure that still remains illegal in Indiana.

Week 5 (2013): Wake Me Up When September Ends

TC:  Do you know this is the most lucid conversation I've had in, like, four days?

Murphy:  Dude, we may be dogs but we're not stupid.  We've seen your friends.

Seamus:  By the way, who was that woman with the outrageous Marie Antionette hair?

Murphy:  I couldn't take my eyes off it. 

Seamus:  Yeah, it was like a fallen Egyptian obelisk.

Murphy:  And we don't really know how those were built either...

Speaking of things that we really don't really know... what is up with our team?  They look flat, inconsistent, unimaginative.  And the natives are getting really, really restless.  But I say don't give up on 'em just yet.  Though that might just be the post-Linipalooza Euphoria talking.

Text of the Week
3rd INT... I feel like the drummer in Spinal Tap.  I may spontaneously combust.

 Received during ND-Oklahoma game, 9/28/13

Song of The Week 
When I think of The Cars, I think of Boston. 
When I think of Boston, I think of living with Jerry and Jim in the early 80's.  
When I think of living with Jerry and Jim in the early 80s, I think of our Mapleton Street house. 
When I think of our Mapleton Street house, I think of the house's Wonder Porch.
When I think of The Wonder Porch, I think of being getting really, really ... mixed up.  A lot.

But not as confused as our blocking and coverage responsibilities on Saturday. And if you spent any time on The Wonder Porch, you'd know that's saying something.

She tricks me into thinkin'
I can't believe my eyes.
I wait for her forever
But she never does arrive.
It's all mixed up.
It's all mixed up.
It's all mixed up.
 
She says to leave it to me
Everything'll be alright.

And the odd thing is, I actually believe that everything'll be all right with this team.

WORD OF THE WEEK 
LACHRYMOSE    lach·ry·mose

adjective \-ˌmōs\

:  given to tears or weeping :  tearful

:  tending to cause tears :  mournful

— lach·ry·mose·ly adverb

— lach·ry·mos·i·ty noun

Origin:  Latin lacrimosus, from lacrima Origin

•      First Known Use: circa 172

Used in a sentence:  Arriving home from 'A' Lot, I told Lisa that I hadn't felt so lachrymose since I saw the movie "Bambi."
"That's my husband," she muttered.  "Crying at a cartoon." 
But then she got out the 15 yr. Balvenie and the enormous ice balls.  Suddenly I knew everything was going to be just fine.  

Wednesday

Twin Anchors.

Like coming home.

 Thursday.     LINIPALOOZA!

Birthday girl!	To Judy!  To Jerry!
Master of Disguise - impersonating a couch.	Lucky Pierre.

Friday - The Few, The Proud, The Fashion Challenged.

"JP, you just reek of booze..."

Game Day. 
Cumulus clouds as we leave Valpo.  Cincotta would be thrilled. It's going to be an outstanding day.

"Is that an 8' sub or are you just happy to see me?"	The Sirens of 'A' Lot.
"Reunited and it feels so good..."	"Dad, is that the Golden Dome?"

The Game

Aborting the 'enter the stadium' mission as the tailgater concluded, the score was 14-0 before we even got to the car.  

Nurse - medication!  Stat!

What did that tell me?  For one thing, that occasionally my instincts don't lead me astray.  Going into the stadium would've been a horribly flawed idea.  Especially with Lisa not packing any knitting needles to impale myself on.

Secondly, that self-medication - within the confines of one's own home and under the supervision of a responsible adult - is a viable course of treatment for the ND Football Blues.

Summary Observations

• Our team simply can't seem to have all 11 guys do the right thing on the same play.
• I'm kinda tired of every QB having their breakout game against us. 
• I'm also tired of playing teams in red. And seeing their fans.
• Tommy is simply not the guy - this year at least - if you need to engineer a significant comeback.
• And it genuinely pains me to say this but Rees' accuracy is getting worse.  Bad fundamentals?
• And no one throws consistently into coverage more than he does.
• Not a fan of this switching QB thing, especially if Hendrix is only going to run it all the time.  Me, I'd play him more, let him get into the flow of the game a little bit.  How much worse can he be?
• GAIII looked pretty impressive.  Is it sustainable?  Is he worth 4-5 games of mediocrity for every 'oh wow' performance?
• Stating the obvious:  we ran well.  Why doesn't Folston see the field more than ~4 plays a game?
• Are we always gonna hear that our team speed never matches up?
• I still think our WR's are pretty good. And we seemed to have finally discovered crossing routes.
• I clearly don't understand the Pass Interference rules - whether they're for and against us.
• If the "lose your helmet" penalty isn't the stupidest rule in the book, the magnitude of it (15 yds?, really?) certainly is.
• I'm beginning to champion the argument that Zeke Motta should be smack in the middle of any 'who do we miss most' conversation.
• At least we shouldn't have to worry about losing any coaches in the off season.
• Saturday night's game in Dallas, it would seem to me, is now HUGE for the season. And ASU's QB is REALLY mobile.  Eek. 

Post-Game

Later that evening, back at The Farm and switching between watching USC get dismantled by Arizona St and the Royals-White Sox game... JP casually asks whether I've tried pushing my 'back button'.

What did you just ask me?

Um. Push my what?  He says he pushes his own.  Often.  Several times in a single program in fact.  And in front of... everyone.

Wow.  Ya think you know someone.

I am uncomfortable.  Is this an East Coast euphenism?  For what exactly? Everyone is waiting for my answer.  

Awkward.

And he still reeks of booze.

The Schedule

August / September	October	November
31    TEMPLE                         W     7    @Michigan                       L   14   @Purdue                           W  21   MICHIGAN STATE         W  28   OKLAHOMA*                L	5   ARIZONA STATE (Dallas)          19   USC                                        26   @Air Force	2     NAVY                       9    @Pitt                       23    BYU    30    @Stanford

*Linipalooza!

THE BET

Au revior, Team 11.  On the clock, Team 10.  And Arthur Schopenhauer is looking quite prescient.  

This would probably be a good time to mention that if you don't see your name highlighted in yellow below, it means I don't think you've paid the $25 entry fee.  And I am not responsible for fiscal accountability if you gave me money at Lini's. 

Wins	Philospher	School of Thought / Representative Quote	Modern Translation	Contestant  prediction
12	EPICURIS	The Self-Indulgent & Excessive “You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day.  You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity..”	Man up! We’re still BCS bound even w/o Everett and Eddie! Go Irish!  (And stop bogarting the wine skin, bro…)
11				Kevin C, Ray, Dave M
10	KIERKEGAARD	The Logical “Face the facts of being what you are, for that changes what you are…”	Epicuris is an incorrigible drunk but he’s right about this still being a very good team.  That said, losing Golson has to cost us a game or two.	Terry, Peter, Ted, Mike G, Jay, JP, Daryl, Jerry W, Dennis
9				Raz, Jim S, Jim T, Bob S, Tim C Jerry C, Mike C, Tom, Randy Tim S, Blair, Kevin M, Shea, Mark
8	WITTGENSTEIN	The Realist “I sit astride Life like a bad rider on a horse.  I only owe it to the horse’s good nature that I am not thrown off at this very moment…”	I don’t have a clue what’s gonna happen but the odds alone suggest we’ll win 7-8 and go bowling in Shreveport.	Garrett, Bryan, John, Brian, Lini, Jerry P, Ryan C, Matt
7				Alvin
6	SCHOPENHAUER	The Skeptic “The wise have always said the same things, and fools, who are the majority, have always done just the opposite…”	Epicurus is delusional. Everett is a significant loss. The entire ‘O’ was built around him. Bet high at your peril.
5
4	DIOGENES	The Cynic “What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others…”	The high point of the year is gonna be the ‘A’ Lot experience.  Again. Not that that's a bad thing.
3
2	NIETZSCHE	The Nihilist “A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything…”	Honestly, why bother with any of this?  Life beyond ‘A’ Lot is a wretched, futile existence - devoid of meaning. May I have another Bloody?
1

COCKTAIL OF THE WEEK

The Class Reunion

• 2 oz. Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey
  
• 1 oz. mixed berry schnapps
• 1 oz.  Chambord raspberry liqueur
• 2 oz. cranberry-apple juice

Stir all the ingredients in a highball glass, then add ice.  This is a traditional drink for a typical school reunion - it's strong enough to make you forget, temporarily, you actually lived with some of these people.  While you're working on your second one, a classmate's young son comes approaches you.

"Dad told me your name is Dumbass!" he says, with delight.  Your friend leans down to rebuke the lad.  

"Now, son, I didn't tell you to call him that.  I told you to call him 'Mr. Dumbass.'"  The youth runs away having learned an important lesson in respecting one's elders.

BUDDY'S BUDDY

Buddy:  Boys, you're back!

Murphy:  Wouldn't it miss it for the world - we heard there were going to be actual Boston folk here.

Buddy:  Did you meet them? I think you'll find them to be enchanting men with odd nicknames and riveting life stories that both amuse and disturb.

Seamus:  You're talking about the ones they call JP and Dealer?

Buddy:  None other.

"Nary a drop of spilled Guinness this week, Seamus..."

Murphy:  Those two almost mythical characters make an appropriate segue to my BB candidate this week.  Oft misunderstood and maligned, Al & Jeep remind me of  George Atkinson III.  He ran hard and with better instincts than we've seen from him ever. You could argue he kept us in the game.

Seamus:  Murph, did you not see that mutant submarine sandwich?!  Whomever game planned that is my Star of the Game.

Buddy:  Try to focus, Seamus.  
Murphy:  Welcome to my world, Bud.
Seamus:  And what about Madame Big Hair?  She has to be in the discussion... 

SCHADENFREUDE

Quality over quantity.  

1.  USC.  This would be a glorious nomination if it wasn't for the fact that we have to play the team that hung 62 on you, Lane.   One can only hope for a) a massive let down and b) a better game plan. I would suggest we run the ball a lot.

2.  LSU. Any time Les Miles loses it's an awesome day.

LANE'S LADS

In honor of the untimely demise - could you at least have waited until after our game, Pat Haden? - of this section's patron saint, we'll be dedicating this segment to coach Kiffin for the balance of the season...

1. Tampa Bay Bucs.  None of you have probably paid attention to their handling of Josh Freeman.  Young QB having a disappointing season.  First they bench him.  Then there's allegations of the coach fixing the captaincy vote against him. Then there's a leak of a confidential failed drug test (for Adderall) - where'd that come from, ya suppose?  Now they've locked him out of the facilities and divided the team in the process.  Bad team. Bad management. 

2.  Ed Orgeron.   When you're considered sleazy by your fellow SEC coaches, you know you've achieved rarified cretin air.  Now you're interim head coach for a team already under sanctions.  Can't wait to see how this plays out, even if it's only for a couple more months.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever."               

 George Orwell, notorious optimist

Are we the boot or the face?  Let's re-visit this quote at about 10:30pm (CDT) Saturday night.

Final Thought - I

Mariano.

Final Thought - II

The Indians.

The Browns.

The retired judges.

Barb.