Week 2: Tapping The Brakes

"It's only Tuesday?!"

So many people to thank, so little time, for what was almost literally a week of fun that, by midnight Saturday, felt like a month:  Raz, Ray, Grules, Peter, Cinco, Jim, Lini, Jay, coach Hoke...

What a week.  Best told in pictures since I remember precious little of the specifics.

But first a digression... in light of the Academic Investigation That Will Not End, allow me to pose a hypothetical:

Say there's a young, impressionable freshman - for sake of argument we'll say he's from Iowa - who nearly immediately finds himself in the wrong academic track and definitely in the wrong Calculus class.  He struggles.  A lot.  His frequent refrain of "I was told there'd be no math..." falls on deaf ears.  But he meets a charismatic, self-assured classmate from - again merely for sake of the story line - Alliance, Ohio.  "Wow, doesn't that place sound upscale!" the naive Iowan thinks.   

Cutting to the chase:  as the semester spirals downward, from academic mediocrity to worse, the Iowan resorts to looking on Alliance Man's (AM) papers during quizzes.  Suffice to say, it turns out AM wasn't quite the smarty pants Iowa Boy thought.  The ultimate lose-lose. Both self-esteem and GPA down the tubes.

The End.

So what is it that the lad in question more guilty of:  breaking the Honor Code or breaking the Stupidity Code?

This, of course, is not a real example.  In Reality, Iowa Boy and Alliance Man went with Kansas City Man and Massapequa Man to Joanne, The TA, who got all of us through, barely.

The point of the story?  That maybe things truly never are as bad or as good as it seems.  And as an active practitioner of "Moderation In Everything, Including Moderation", I suggest this:  that - after two really nice performances in which we all reveled to a ridiculous degree - perhaps we shouldn't be looking too far ahead.  Instead, just enjoy the ride.  They're a fun team to watch.

Song of the Week

"I say, Terry, is that Pearl Jam on the radio..."

This game calls for a happy song - the kind that when I hear them in a car I risk speeding tickets and fantasize about a glorious top down, full throttle Thelma & Louise launch over the Grand Canyon, singing this song at the top of my lungs...  

(Note to reader:  you've been duly forewarned.  A ditch will be the least of your worries.)

Back on point, it's a song that famously has no wholly fixed lyrics - basically it's whatever Eddie Vedder wants to make up at the time - except for the lyrics below... the first being how I feel every year with the Michigan game and the second on how I now feel about 16 hour night game experiences.  

Hope you enjoy the song!

"I don't know whether I'm the boxer or the bag...

I know and I know, I don't wanna stay."

Word of the Month 
Apricate (v.)

To spend time basking in the sun.

Used in a sentence:  With 12 hours to apricate before kickoff, Young Terry should've worried more about sunstroke than inebriation.

Quote of the Month 

"It's not a pretty face, I grant you.  But underneath it's flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character..."

Oscar Levant

That pretty much sums up the state of the 2014 Wolverine football program.



Thursday Night

Linipalooza.  

"What they're wearing in the Hamptons, Ter."

I knew the evening was going to be interesting when - before I even got to the party - I hear:
a) "Mom forgot her shirt."  (Excuse me?)
and 
b) "Cincotta wants to know if everyone is going to be wearing pants..." (Of course he does.)

'Bloody Mary Man' goes to work.

This, also after JP has texted, saying his sconces send their love.  Or that he really loves his sconces and he wants the world to know it.  I'm not sure which.  Maybe both. 

Then seeing Peter slap on the gloves and tell me "this'll only take a second..."  Yikes.

And of course, The Petting Farm.  One look on those little barnyard animals' faces of resignation and one wonders how Stockholm Syndrome wasn't named Dillon Depression.

"Teach me, sensei."

Anal leakage.  It's a real disease.

These sheep aren't so much nervous as defeated..

 

 






And a final, plaintive plea:  "Please, Bob, don't make me go to Biv for a grip check..."

 

Friday - Respite

"You're not from around here, are you?"

Jerry, Terry and Peter play golf.  

The few, the proud.

Laughs were had.

Big money exchanged - until no one could make change for a $1.

Cocktails in the bar.

Off to South Bend and Scotchlandia.

Game Day.

 
The Executive summary:  We're pretty good.  And gonna get better.  Michigan is not pretty good and probably made us look better than maybe we are - sometimes significantly better.  
The October schedule still looks a little daunting but at least going into it undefeated seems far more likely than not.  Specifically re the game:

• I think it's appropriate to be upset about the two blown early timeouts.  But it's also worth keeping in mind (as Cincotta might say), they're crazy kids. They're gonna do stuff that makes you want to set your hair on fire.

• I hope everyone appreciates the complete 180 degree change in special teams.  Every one of them. A total competitive advantage now.  And Brindza's leg is unbelievable.

• WR's:  other than Amir and Robinson, not exactly The All-Hands team, are the?  I'm sorry but catching 2 out 3 isn't going to cut it. 

Freshmen power:  Hill, Tranquill, Cage, Trumbetti... all playing early, often and well. 

"Tell them Scotland is free!"

• Amir, rockin' the Braveheart look. Love it. And finally looking like the player we thought we were getting two years ago.  Better late than never.

• Everett's really good.  Maybe really, really good. But the 2nd half seemed to suggest he's also still a work-in-progress.
• Jaylon is The Man.  How nice is it to see a 5-star recruit actually be a 5-star player.

The ridiculously good looking Zoolander family

• Anyone notice the hugs between Kelly and Van Gorder at game's end? I don't recall BK showing that level of affection before.  Not sure of what significance that is... 

• Still not impressed with Kathryn Tappen.  And NBC, I do hold a grudge. Ask anyone in my family. 

An English Major Walks Into A Bar...

There's only one theme for this game - Revenge!  Best served cold (and with horseradish):

Bloody Carrie

 by Stephen King

As I've told Jim Thompson in the past, children can be so cruel.  16 yr. old Carrie White is already a social outcast when she adds every girl's nightmare to the list:  having her first period in a gym class shower.  Eek.  It gets messier from there, with scheming teens setting Carrie up to win prom queen, only to crown her not with a tiara but -- and you can't get this at Wal-Mart -- with pig's blood.

Little do her fellow classmates know about her secret telekinetic powers (note to self: insert Everett Golson secret powers analogy here) and our heroine buttons Stephen King's first novel with a decent impression of Satan going through puberty. 

Spice up a legendary drink with ingredients even a schoolgirl has on hand -- though there's no way you're serving this one virgin.

5 oz.  tomato juice
2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. lime juice
1/2 tspn. Worcestershire sauce
1/4 tspn. wasabi paste
3 dashes hot sauce
salt and pepper, to taste

Add the ingredients to a shaker with ice.  Shake well and strain over fresh ice in a Collins glass.   Finish with a celery stalk or pickle and toast those underrated who ultimately get the last laugh.

NOTE:  This in not the Behrens' recipe.  No way am I giving away that State Secret. 

Buddy's Buddies

There was a point during the latter half of the 2nd quarter when Everett was surgically taking Michigan apart when I thought to myself, "there's no rule in that says the same guy can't win the Buddy's Buddy award every single week..."

But at that point, I hadn't seriously considered the team actually pitching a shut out either. Ever shutting anyone out, truth be told. 

I also hadn't considered ever being a fan of anyone who's an acolyte of Rex Ryan.  But I am now.  BVG's playing a lot of young kids, they're figuring it out and they're having fun all at the same time.  As impressive as the 2nd half pressure was, I was equally taken by the significant Game 1-to-2 improvement in defensive backfield communication.  (Making me wonder if Collingsworth (and his limited athleticism) is gonna make it back on the field if Farley / Shumate et al keep playing this well. 

At any rate, well done coach VG.  Buddy always appreciated intelligence.  Not that he was around much with me.

2014 Schedule

August
28      Rice - W

September
6       Michigan  -   W
13     Purdue (Indianapolis)
27     @Syracuse (MetLife Stadium)

October 
4      Stanford
11    North Carolina
18    @FSU

November
  1   @Navy
  8   @Arizona State 
15    Northwestern
22    Louisville
29   @USC

The Wager: 
People are starting to give me their $25 and I'm highlighting below.  Let me know if I've missed anyone...

Wins	Song	Representative Lyric	ND Application	Contestant  prediction
12	Burning Down The House	“Here's your ticket, Pack your bag. Time for jumpin' overboard...”	Man Oh Man Oh Man... if we win this much, something's getting lit up! Starting with me.	Bryan
11				Daryl, Dave M
10	Heaven	“Heaven...   is a place...  where nothing... nothing ever happens...”	Boy, attaining this level of consistent, calm excellence...  I could get used to.	Kevin C, Terry, Lini, Jerry W, Peter, Rob W
9				JP,, Ted, Mike C, Jerry C, Tim C, Bob R, Tim S, Jim S, Jay, Jim B
8	Once In A Lifetime	"And you may ask yourself, how did I get here? Same as it ever was..."	8-5... again?!  How did we get to this point of near constant mediocrity?	Brian W, Jim T, Jerry P, Tom, Kevin M, Garrett, Mark, Mike G
7				John, Ray, Blair, Alvin, Dave, Ryan, Randy, Dennis
6	The Big Country	“I wouldn't live there if you paid me.  I couldn't live that, no siree..."	Both 'A' Lot and ND football - gone the way of the dinosaur. I need to make some profound changes in my life.	Matt
5
4	No Compassion	“They say compassion is a virtue...  But I don't have the time.”	Empathy for our pathetic football program is over-rated.   I am so done.   Hello, lacrosse.
3
2	Psycho Killer	“Run run run run  run run run away… Oh oh ohhhhhh...  ay yai yai  yai yai...”	Dad is just staring at the TV. He's not even paying attention to the game. And he's drooling.
1

Schadenfreude Time
This was like Karma's Big Payback after so many close games last week.  But I'm still going to try and be disciplined in my selection:

Ohio State.  Most of you probably know this but it's sooo much fun repeating:  Urban has lost three of his last four games.   The only downside: with their fans, you know something's getting torched. 
 
Michigan State.   Like Verbal Kint would say, 'then poof your BCS playoff chances are gone...'

Stanford.  Mike Frank tells me that I should be happier for The Cardinal losing than the Trojans because we probably compete for more recruits against them and the more they get taken down a peg, the better for us.  That's good enough for me.  Plus I think David Shaw is a big grouchy-pants who should experience adversity as often as humanly possible.


Terry's Trolls

A veritable cornucopia of idiots this week:

1.  Drew Sharp.  Detroit Free Press sportswriter, who doesn't include Notre Dame on his top 25 AP ballot this week.  What are you,  a petulant 12 yr. old?

2.  Ray Rice.  Holy cow.  

 3. Roger Goodell.  Boy do you have some esplainin' to do.  And you suspended Sean Payton for a freaking year because "he should've known..."  What's your penalty?

"I once caught a fish this big..."

4.  Pat Haden.  Wow, the only candidate ever nominated by public proclamation.  I use to like you.  Now I don't even know you, girlfriend.  And I sure as hell don't know what you thought you were accomplishing by running down from the press box to argue with a ref.  Just pointless.  And demeaning - your coach texts you so you come a-runnin'?  Have a little dignity.

And if ND doesn't resolve this Academic Investigation, they're ending up here next week.

This Week in 1698

Czar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on beards.  

"You got taxed?!  That's not even real..."

I'm not sure if anyone has ever tried to do this again but a similar plan could bring in boatloads of dough at World Series time.

Final Thought

While everyone was scurrying off to the game, one of us was participating in a noble cause, check this out:

Nice job, Jer.

Week 1: I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts

Okay so follow along on this progression - it may take a while...

"I wouldn't worry too much about that book's ending, Chuck..."

This past weekend I'm watching an old Dr. Who episode with daughter Shea, one where they land in Victorian times involving a fairly melancholy Charles Dickens and some fairly active and dare I say, mischievous, spirits. 

But that's not important. 

What's relevant is that in the course of several conversations, Dickens references working on his latest book, "The Mystery of Edwin Drood."  There is, of course, immediate tragic irony for any respectable English major, knowing that particular book never gets completed - Dickens died after suffering a stroke before finishing it. 

But it got me to pondering about Mysteries, big and small, that have vexed me for awhile, like:

• What ever happened to Glenn Miller anyway? Was he really a spy?
• What exactly did Billie Joe McAllister throw off the Tallahatchie Bridge?
• Area 51.  Yeah, right.
• Why aren't hotdogs sold in the same multiples as their buns?
• When did ND Nation become so soul-suckingly bleak?

That last one may not be a mystery but it baffles me and I offer it without judgment.  After what I'd have thought to be a nearly perfect day last weekend - a great tailgate, a decisive victory, a return-from-exile QB looking great, young RB's impressive, an actual punt return game!, a ton of freshmen playing, inevitable but seemingly fixable mistakes on D - the majority of post game comments I read seemed to range from 'yeah, great, prove it to me next week' to 'Kelly will surely screw this up'... 

Huh? Can we not just enjoy the 'they-played-to-the-level-of-hoped-for-competence' outcome -- even a little while?   Raz and I certainly did.

So...  Dr. Who to Dickens to Miller to Mystery to ND.  That wasn't so hard, was it?

Back on point: Mysterious attitudes to me.  And sad.  Notre Dame du Lac, where football-based Optimism now seems to go to die. 

Of course, I live in Scotchlandia, where every day is a halcyon day of glass-half-full-and-getting-topped-up good cheer.  So this perplexing dynamic may not be so confusing to you.


Song of the Week
The brilliant Robin Williams once observed that being Canadian was, geographically speaking, like living in an apartment above a really great party.  Perhaps but they've given us some excellent contributors to that party, musically, in their own right... and this week's feature, The Guess Who, were pretty terrific in their day - at least to Teenage Terry.  And while Saturday weather didn't end up being as problematic as originally forecast, I'm staying with the rain theme even if it's just metaphorical bad weather.

Full disclosure: I have no clue what this song is talking about. I've always been a little freaked out by the ominous 'where'd ya get the gun, John?' refrain.  Which, come to think about it, is totally in keeping with this week's prevailing "something bad is surely going to happen" theme.

"Changin' just a few things,
Laughing while the bell rings on the go.
Changin' just a few things
Shooting when the bird sings..."

Word of the Month 
au·bade  noun \ō-ˈbäd\ 

Definition

1  a song or poem greeting the dawn

2  a morning love song

    a song or poem of lovers parting at dawn

3  morning music — compare nocturne

Origin  

French, from Middle French, from Old Occitan aubada, from alba, auba dawn, from Vulgar Latin *alba, from Latin, feminine of albus white — more at alb

First Known Use: circa 1678

Used in a sentence:  While never actually wishing to experience it himself, Young Terry loved to hear tales of the aubades performed while the 'A' Lot crew set up their tailgates each Game Day morning. Known campus-wide for their haunting beauty.

We really taking this A Lot dirt to Valpo?

Quote of the Month 

"If you wake up and you're not in pain, you know you're dead..."

Russian proverb

...you know you're dead.  Or apparently, a Notre Dame fan.


Game Day Observations

"Is the staff really necessary, Jay?"

Stayer Lot - Where Fun Goes To Party.  

Just like the Jews during Exodus, A Lot is forced out of The Chosen Land...  

Unlike the Jews, we didn't have to go really all that far. Maybe 100 yds.  

But so far, so good.  
 

On the Sidelines!

Which of these is not like the other?

Will, John, Richard and 2 photo-bombers.

Thank you, Raz, for getting us down on the field.  What a treat. 

And nice of you to bring some really great guys from Rice.  

                                                         And by the way, up close, those guys are really quite... large.

Sorry, not impressed.

After the Kickoff.

The Executive summary:  Offense could be scary-good.  But with a marginal pass rush and weak communication in the secondary. The latter seems correctable, the former may not be. 

Which one of you is Van Gorder?

• The new turf is spectacular.  And more importantly, reliable footing.
• Fact:  football is a QB-driven game.  And in college, a mobile one. Last year we didn't have one.  This year we may have two.
• All jokes aside, the punt return game was impressive.
• Van Gorder looks like he belongs on Sons of Anarchy - let's hope that's not what we're calling his defense by the end of the year.



"What do I do? I get open.  Deep."

• Jaylon Smith is fast.  Joe Schmidt is not. That latter fact could be problematic.

• Will Fuller is also really fast.  Really, really fast.  He may be the Matthew McConnaughey* of the team, but I'll take that.  

• The entire team, especially the D, looks way more athletic.
• That said, the pass rush is clearly going to be an issue.
• Beginning to believe Mayock's point about Collingsworth's value as The Grand Communicator.

• RB's:  how can one not be excited about those guys?  Bryant is a stud. 

 *limited range but what he does do, he does really well.

An English Major Walks Into A Bar...
What kind of cocktail does one need for a conflicted, why-can't-we-just-be-happy blog?  How about:

Tequila Mockingbird
(To Kill A Mockingbird, 1960)
 by Harper Lee

'Roll Tide' isn't a viable defense, dad...

All one-hit wonders should hit so hard!  Harper Lee's only novel is the oft-taught tale told by little Scout Finch, watching her Alabama town rally behind a lying drunk's lying daughter, who's up and accused an innocent African-American man of taking advantage of her.  Lucky for Scout - who watches from a courtroom balcony as her lawyer father defends the man - she's got levelheaded pals by her side, including Dill, who is famously modeled after Truman Capote.

After a conclusion that leaves you both hopeful and haunted (WELCOME TO ND NATION'S WORLD, Atticus), toast to a sometimes sour justice system (Ed. note:  insert Honor Code joke here) with a tequila shot that's guilty of packing a dill pickle punch.

• 1 1/2  oz. tequila
• 2 drops hot sauce
• 1 dill pickle

Pour the tequila into a shot glass, add the hot sauce and slam that bad boy back before chasing with a big chomp of pickle.  No tears allowed here - after all, there is no crying in baseball or tailgating. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the Lot.

Buddy's Buddies

Honestly, can there be any doubt that last week was all about Everett?  

How many times did you watch plays last week and thought to yourself, "never saw that last year..." 

"And I can play Chopin..."

- Escaping a pass rush.  
- Throwing a ball - accurately - 60 yds. on the fly.  
- At least two red zone TD's wholly improvised. 
- Running plays in an average of  :13.  (Hey, last year we couldn't get out of the huddle that fast.)


2014 Schedule

August
28      Rice - W

September
6       Michigan  -- LINIPALOOZA!   


October 
4      Stanford
11    North Carolina

November
15    Northwestern
22    Louisville


The Wager: 

So much for the Rice mulligan...   check out the distribution of bets below as they've shaken out.  The lesson to be taken here?  There are no winners when it comes to investing anything, financially - emotionally - psychologically, on Notre Dame football.  
 
(Kudos to Dennis for making his special brand of pessimism look both super cool and totally terrifying.)

Wins	Song	Representative Lyric	ND Application	Contestant  prediction
12	Burning Down The House	“Here's your ticket, Pack your bag. Time for jumpin' overboard...”	Man Oh Man Oh Man... if we win this much, something's getting lit up! Starting with me.	Bryan
11				Daryl, Dave M
10	Heaven	“Heaven...   is a place...  where nothing... nothing ever happens...”	Boy, attaining this level of consistent, calm excellence...  I could get used to.	Kevin C, Terry, Lini, Jerry W, Peter, Rob W
9				JP,, Ted, Mike C, Jerry C, Tim C, Bob R, Tim S, Jim S, Jay, Jim B
8	Once In A Lifetime	"And you may ask yourself, how did I get here? Same as it ever was..."	8-5... again?!  How did we get to this point of near constant mediocrity?	Brian W, Jim T, Jerry P, Tom, Kevin M, Garrett, Mark, Mike G
7				John, Ray, Blair, Alvin, Dave, Ryan, Randy, Dennis
6	The Big Country	“I wouldn't live there if you paid me.  I couldn't live that, no siree..."	Both 'A' Lot and ND football - gone the way of the dinosaur. I need to make some profound changes in my life.	Matt
5
4	No Compassion	“They say compassion is a virtue...  But I don't have the time.”	Empathy for our pathetic football program is over-rated.   I am so done.   Hello, lacrosse.
3
2	Psycho Killer	“Run run run run  run run run away… Oh oh ohhhhhh...  ay yai yai  yai yai...”	Dad is just staring at the TV. He's not even paying attention to the game. And he's drooling.
1

Schadenfreude Time
A LOT of close calls - I'm talking to you, Jameis - but I get no joy from them.  So just one to call out this week:

South Carolina.  The Ole Bawl Coach seemed mysteriously quiet after getting taken to the wood shed by A&M.  52 points, Steve.  May I call you Steve? The silence is glorious.

Terry's Trolls

Typically, one thinks the off-season is the perfect breeding ground for irretrievably dumb ass behavior but the 2014 Athlete proves they can do double duty even when the games start up again.  Today's multi-taskers include:

1.  Josh Shaw.   This recognition is not for whatever bad you must've done.  And given the absurdity of the lie, it must be a doosey.  Rather it's for thinking you could get away with it - in Los Angeles, of all places where discrete is an unfathomable concept - and the hubris associated w making yourself appear so heroic.

2.  Wes Welker.  You've had three concussions in 10 months.  You also have a net worth over $20M.  But you're not gonna retire.  Gee, Wes, you're Texas Tough.  And Texas Stupid.  

Oh and now you've just been busted by the league for amphetamines.  Oops.  Your response: a 'dog ate my homework' excuse of being drugged at the Kentucky Derby.  Oh really. I take back the Texas Stupid comment, you're SEC Stupid.

Where can I get that cut-out?  Without the guy in blue...

 


 3.  NBC.   Did you really reassign The Goddess Alex? 

Unprovoked? 

And you wonder why your ratings are in the toilet...




This Week in 1666

The Great Fire of London wipes out 80% of the city. Ouch.  But! It also takes their plague-infected rats with it.  

So as Kay Corrigan likes to say, "God doesn't close a door that He doesn't open a window..."

Consider that line of thinking (or rationalization) when the University ultimately metes out its Academic justice.

Final Thought

 
Holtz and Feherty - nice little clip even if it doesn't offer much in new insights. Wouldn't you love to hear the off camera conversation?  Like the sweater, Lou.